August 20, 2003

Well, here I am writing a "coming out" journal. It has taken me a long, long time to get here! I guess I'll start with a history of my awareness of my sexuality for my first entry.

Elementary School: I still remember in 5th grade there was this gorgeous girl in one of my classes who brushed up against me as she walked by me. I remember noticing how soft her skin was and how I wanted to touch it again ... it wasn't a dirty or bad thing or even sexual ... I just noticed for the first time in my life that I liked the softness of a girl's skin.

Junior High School: In Junior High, I had my first crushes! My first ever crush was on Karen Carpenter from the Carpenter's ... then Olivia Newton John ... and then Cyndi Lauper ... Pat Benetar ... LOL. They weren't necessarily of a major sexual nature because I don't think I completely understood Lesbian as an option for myself, but I definitely had a crush.

High School: In high school I had untreated Major Depressive Disorder. I was also made fun of on a regular basis for being a lesbian by most of the other kids in band, and later, throughout the school. At the time I did not think of myself as being a lesbian, nor did I accept the possibility that I might be, but underneath I new better. I never dated in high school since I was very depressed and did not socialize much, but stayed to myself. I believe now that my depressed stemmed from repressing my sexuality and from dealing with the dawning realization that life was going to be a bit more difficult for me than for others.

1990-1992: During this time I did not date alot, but the few dates I went on were with guys. It was dating only, though, and I never had sex with any of them. I was in complete denial about my sexual preference.

1993: I had my first sexual experience with a woman. It was a one-time thing and there wasn't a relationship or anything like that. I kinda freaked out at the time because I had no doubt that I was a lesbian. I became more depressed and moved into a period of trying to change my sexuality.

1994-1999: I ended up in a long term relationship with a male. Had my first sexual experience with a male, and can very honestly say I did not enjoy it, though I tried very hard to convince myself I did. The relationship was pretty bad -- we broke up four times and by the last couple of years we were both miserable and had been for a long time.

1998: In 1998 I couldn't live with the Depression any longer ... it was unbearable, so I began treatment for Major Depressive Disorder -- finally! As I began to feel better and started therapy, I started thinking about what I wanted from life for the first time. This is when I started accepting that men were not in the picture of what I wanted from life.

1999-2003: I was a full time, self supporting student during this time. I was also single! The problem here was that I knew I am a lesbian and wanted to date women, but did not have the time or the social connections needed for dating! : ( I was also too scared to tell other people about my sexuality. Only one friend knew, but he knew about the experience I had back in 1993.

October 2003: Today I received the money from my retirement account from my job I had while an undergraduate. I was able to get caught up on all the bills I was behind on! Now I don't have to worry about my dad not approving of my life choices because I no longer need him to co-sign on student loans or borrow money from him when I'm short a few bucks. I'm finally finished with school and have a full time job. I am now hoping I can finally seek out other lesbian women for dating and friendships. I have no social connections to lesbians in my area, so I'm feeling pretty lonely, but I am hoping that soon I will find them and can finally begin my life as myself!! I'm finally free! I'm so scared.

August 25, 2003

I cannot sleep . . . it is 4:22 am. This is a poem that is going through my mind. It is about a luscious woman I know and obviously admire!

Disclaimer: I am not a poet, so don't expect amazing poetry!

I saw you today and it took my breath away,
And for a moment I stood transfixed by your entrance.
Your beauty
Your smile
Your voice
Your delight
Your soul shines so brightly!
It was in this moment that I saw the beauty that only you can hold.
And now I sit here, transfixed by your memory.

August 27, 2003

This is a copy of an email I sent to a friend of mine today. I thought it would be great to add to my diary because it says so much of what I am feeling.

*Friend's Name*, I'm freaking out. I never thought I'd be such a nutcase without it being a depression problem or something. Now I'm a nutcase w/o any psycho. problems at all.

Eeeeek

I feel like an idiot.

Why? Now there's a good question.

The sentence above is an example of what is called changing the subject, dodging the bullet, etc. The sentence you just read is also a good example of that, as is this one.

There's a woman I work with who is a lesbian and I am very sure she has figured out what is going on w/me - it's kind of this sort of nonverbal understanding (does that make sense?). Anyway, I'd love to just tell her I'm a dumb ass who's been a freak who spent way too many years trying to make myself into something I'm not and am now fine w/the fact that I don't want to change myself anymore, *but* I* can't* get* the* words* out* of* my* mouth*. Now I feel horribly guilty because as a social worker I believe in people being able to stand up for themselves and that groups of people who are socially ostracized should stand together and force social change, but I cower behind unspoken words. (Off the subject, but it reminds me of a line by Sarah M., "screaming inside but can't be heard.") I feel I don't deserve to ever find whoever my soul mate is because I have spent so many years trying so hard to prove to the world that my soul mate is a man - it seems rather insulting.

O.K., I change the part at the beginning of the email about me being free from mental disorders, because those words I just typed sound pretty disordery. I think I am going to go insane. Emotional pressure really sucks to hell.

Sorry to dump this all on you, but I have to dumb somewhere and *another friends name* would freak out, *yet another friends name* would triple freak out, and at least w/email you can stop reading whenever you want - not to mention these words would never manage to materialize in audial form.

Anyway, if you are driving down the road any time soon and see a disheveled woman talking to blades of grass and she looks like me, she just might be me because I am quickly losing my mind w/all this pressure, stress, and crap. If you call 911 they will send me to a place where I can get lots of meds to wipe all thoughts out of my brain.

So . . .

how are things with you?

Monica

September 7, 2003

I've been wanting to tell another one of my friends about my sexuality, but I just can't get myself to do it. I am very sure that once I do I will no longer have her friendship. She is straight, after all, and it's one thing for a straight woman to be friends with a gay male and a completely different thing to expect one to be friends with a lesbian. We have been friends since High School . . . for 17 years . . . but I have a feeling she would not be able to handle this. I really with things did not have to be so complicated.

September 8, 2003

I feel depressed today. I am tired of being stuck inside myself. I am tired of worrying about this. I want to stop worrying. But I can't. *sigh*

September 13, 2003

This message I just posted to a message board says it all:
I am going to try to tell one of my closest friend of 17 yrs. that I am a lesbian sometime this weekend. I don't know how she will handle it, but my fear is that my good friend of so many years will not want to be my friend anymore. It will be very painful for me to lose a friend I've had for so long. I can only hope that she will be able to accept me for who I am. I don't feel like I can wait any longer to tell her - I've been in the closet way too long and I just can't stay here any more. It's like I feel this constant internal tension to tell the world who I am. I wish I had done this ten years ago, though! I feel as if I have wasted so many years of my life. I guess that is why I feel so desperate to get out now.

September 15, 2003

O.K., I ended up sick this last weekend and didn't tell my friend anything. Truth be told, I could have told her anyway, but just didn't do it -- the fact I was sick was just a convenient excuse. I've been bringing up the subject more, though, sort of testing the grounds, I guess. She might even have an idea of what I want to say, but just hasn't completely admitted to it yet. I don't know . . . I just wish I were a braver woman than I am. : (

October 1, 2003

I have moved to a new apartment! Much closer to the "gay" side of town.

October 2, 2003

I just typed the following words as a reply to a post on a message board where a girl was saying how depressed she is because she doesn't have a girlfriend right now. I decided to put my reply on here aso I can remember my own advice when I feel depressed:

((((name of person who did the posting)))) I understand the pain of being alone. I am too. : ( I also understand the previous comment about needed to wait until I'm ready to meet that special someone. I believe we all have a soulmate and that we meet that soulmate when things in both worlds (that of the soulmate and myself) are perfectly arranged so that the relationship will work out. It is very hard for me to be patient because I sooooo want someone to cuddle w/since the weather is getting cooler and I want someone to share my upcoming holidays with. I want someone to tell about my day at work and to go to the movies with. I just want someone to hold hands with!!! Wherever my soulmate is, I know she is getting ready for me just like I'm getting ready for her. I hate waiting, but I know I'll appreciate her all the more when I find her!

It's hard to be patient, but try to be! She should find you when you least expect it!

October 3, 2003

O.K., I just sent a link to this site to a friend from graduate school. I don't know what to expect in way of a reaction, though. I really hate having to fear reactions!

October 17, 2003

Well...it is way passed time for an update!! First of all, my friend from graduate school was fine w/my news...and I really expected that, but there is an underlying fear anyway.

Still haven't told my other friend, but am working on it.

I've decided that before the end of this week, as soon as I have a chance at work, I am telling the woman at work that I've mentioned somewhere in a previous posting about my sexuality.

October 23, 2003

O.K., tomorrow is the last day I have in order to meet my this week deadline on telling the woman at work about my sexuality. *deep breath* This week has been so busy at work, I haven't even had time to tell her for the past two days because I never saw her. I so hope I don't lose my nerve. I could take the easy way out and just email her a link to my website, but I want to tell her in person. I want to stop being scared. It's not like I have to worry about her not being accepting of me or anything ... she's a lesbian herself. But I still get so scared. It just doesn't make any sense. It's so confusing to feel scared like this. Scared to tell a lesbian I am a lesbian. What's up with that? If I ever get through this, I hope I can answer that one question for myself. It is just so disturbing to feel this way.

October 24, 2003

I bought a wonderful book today at the bookstore called, "My Lover is a Woman." It is an anthology of lesbian love poetry. It is edited by Leslea Newman and is published by Ballantine Books. The ISBN number is 0-345-42114-0. I highly recommend it to anyone wanting a good read.

I read a poem in this book that gave me chills I cannot describe. This poem is for my soulmate, wherever she is ... when I find her, I will most certainly have to read this to her ...

Since it is kinda long, I posted the poem on a separate page from the rest of my diary. If you'd like to read it, click here.

October 25, 2003

3:30 am

Today someone (and she knows who she is and will end up reading this) told me, quite early this morning, the most amazing things anyone has ever said to me about myself. I could only sit in silence, words failing me ... but I'll never forget what she said to me and I have to say, "Thank you." Even if those two words don't seem nearly to express the gratitude I feel ... words often fail me. My heart was truly touched. No one has ever said anything like that to me before.

8:00 pm

I have realized while reading that wonderful above-mentioned poetry book that I have no idea what it feels like to be truly in love with someone. I feel very sad - as if I've never truly lived. I feel like I took the first breath of my life two weeks ago when I finally paid off enough debts so that I didn't have to worry about my father approving of my life - so I could borrow money from him when I needed to or get him to co-sign on loans. The moment I put those checks in the mail was when my life as a lesbian who will be "out" began. I wish I could remember the date I mailed those, because that date is my true birthday. My soul is filled with sadness ... no one should have to be someone else in order to survive.

October 31, 2003

It's a scary day....yikes! I've decided to do something special for Halloween, though ... I'm posting my pic to my webpage! Now the world can see who I am and know I'm a lesbian. It's not a huge step, but it's a step in the right direction.

November 6, 2003

O.K. ... Deep Breath ...

I'm beginning to learn some important things about myself ... and they are things that noone else ever could have taught me. I'm learning that "coming out" doesn't mean go around to everyone you know and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian." It means self-acceptance and not hiding who you are, but also not feeling the pressure to constantly tell everyone. I think pressuring oneself to tell everyone is just a form of self-punishment, self-punishment is a sign of a lack of self-acceptance, which just leads to negative feelings. I finally completely understand that I am o.k. as I am. If people criticize me because they know I'm a lesbian and I haven't looked at them and said, "I'm a lesbian" then that's fine. I can criticize them for promoting yet another form of hatred against people who are homosexual when we already have enough of that from those outside our circle.

That's where I am right now. My thoughts might be completely different a month from now, but right now I am very content. I am filled with a sense of inner peace. I feel as if I am floating on happy clouds in a world full of happiness.

I will admit, I am scared of the hatred I will face as a lesbian, but I would rather face hatred - and fight it - than face a lifetime of hiding who I really am, never really living or loving, and allowing those who hate who I am to win their fight without ever throwing a punch.

With the above words posted to the world ... I can say that even if those haters threw a punch ... I have just won regardless! That is what makes life an amazing place to be!

December 12, 2003

I've been neglecting my poor little webpage! I've got quite a bit to report! First I must report that I told my friend - my good friend from high school about my sexuality. I had thought she might freak out since we are both women and I was afraid she might not like having a female friend who is a lesbian, but she was fine with it. One thing I also noticed is that although it was hard for me to get the words out of my mouth, it seems to be getting easier each time I tell someone about it!

December 25, 2003

I definitely have to have a posting for Christmas!!

I've decided to post about what I've learned about life and love during the past week.

I've learned what love is. I've learned what it is to feel as if I have become one with someone else. Not that I've lost my own sense of identity or that I am not a whole person myself (which is what I had previously thought that becoming one w/someone else would mean). I now know that when two complete souls unite in love -- well, I can't quite find the words to describe what I'm trying to say. I just can say that I understand love now.

Merry Christmas!

January 17, 2004

Eeek! I've been neglecting my page!

Not on purpose though! There just isn't alot happening in my coming out world right now! I am working on a letter that I will send my parents to tell them about my sexuality right now, but I'm not finished with it yet -- or ready to mail it to them. I decided upon a letter because that way they can read it and approach me with the topic when/if they are ready to and they have all the time they need to think about it before they do. It will be a horrible wait to see if they respond to the letter or not after I mail it ... but I feel like it is the best plan for me and my parents.

February 7, 2004

Now I've learned a lesson I never wanted to learn. I've learned what it feels like to lose the one I love. She broke up w/me ... and now I have to somehow pull myself together and move on with my life. I have to somehow go back to being just me after being her and me. I just am not sure how to do that.

As usual, Sarah McLachlan has found a source of inspiration that describes my feelings so well. Her song, "Do What You Have To Do" says it all:

what ravages of spirit conjured, this temptuous rage,
created you a monster, broken by the rules of love
and fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do ...

and i have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go,

every moment marked with apparitions of your soul,
i'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire
the yearing to be near you, i do what i have to do,
the yearning to be near you, i do what i have to do

but I have the sense to recognize that i don't know how to let you go,
i don't know how to let you go,

a glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow,
deep within i'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you,
i know i can't be with you, i do what i have to do,
i know i can't be with you, i do what i have to do

and i have the sense to recognize
but i don't know how to let you go,
i don't know how to let you go, i don't know
how to let you go.

February 14, 2004

I thought today would suck ... I've never had a Valentine's Day that didn't. I will admit it wasn't what I had planned for a month ago ... but I can say that my friend B was there for me ... and I had a perfectly good time. Then, when I got home ... my Shoe friends were there for me ... and I was perfectly fine ... with my friends.

March 9, 2004

I have alot of catching up to do ...

First of all, the latest step in my coming out process ... I am seeing a therapist at a counseling center designated for the GLBT population so I can talk about my issues with coming out to my family. This is an awesome step for me, because before I was too scared to go there ... I was too scared to go anywhere that is desginated as being for gay people. I have had two appointments there so far and have enjoyed them. I feel proud of myself every time I manage to walk up to the building! I know it sounds like a small step, but for me it was huge!

I haven't updated my webpage in a long time because I've been busy w/work ... and I have been staying up oh-so-late talking to a wonderful woman with a very sexy accent who is filling my life with joy as of late! :) Thank you sexy-accented woman! You are keeping a smile on my face 24 hours a day! :)

March 24, 2004

Here is something sad about my coming out process ... I went to the park yesterday to walk my dog. I wore one of my pride bracelts ... and halfway through my walk, I started to feel really insecure ... and I took it off. I feel very upset w/myself over that and very ashamed of my behavior. I'm hoping that soon ... I will not take it off ever.

I believe that every time I have something negative happen during my coming out process, I need to come up with two positive things, in order to try to keep myself feeling positive about what I am doing. With that in mind, here are two good things going on in my life right now ...

I heard that oh-so-sexy accent again last night! :)

I'm also excited because I'm going to the Bayou City Art Festival this weekend!

April 2, 2004

Well, there were good things about today and bad things. The good was that I was invited to meet someone at a lesbian bar tonight ... so I decided to go. This is awesome progress for me, because in the past I was afraid to go to a bar and I went! (Yay for me!) The bad thing is that the person I was supposed to meet wasn't there. :( I walked through the whole bar and looked for her, but she wasn't there. So ... yes, it sucks I didn't get to stick around ... because I'm way too shy at this time to stay in a bar by myself ... but at least I went!

April 21, 2004

Well, this entry isn’t all that happy. I’ve been feeling so horribly upset with myself lately. I don’t even know how to say it all. I just am tired of having to worry about this whole coming out thing. I’m tired of it.

Last weekend, I went to a get together at my bosses house in memory of a coworker who died the previous weekend in a car accident. I keep thinking about how it would be nice if I were out … how nice it would be to have that freedom for myself. I noticed how other gay coworkers were completely comfortable w/their sexuality in relation to others and the world. I felt so alone and so unnatural and I felt like a total idiot because I am sure they at the very least have an idea of my sexuality … and probably wonder why on earth I am not out.

It’s doubly hard for me to come out at work now because I’ve waited so long … it makes me feel all the more freakish. Not to mention, when I first started there, there was one woman I told I was straight … actually I didn’t say “I am straight,” we just had a conversation about soulmates …. and I spoke of men instead of women. It was before I reached that moment in time, mentioned in my first postings on this site, where I was in a position to feel safe coming out … so I understand why I did it … but I don’t know my coworkers would … and I really wouldn’t want to have to go into so much detail with them anyway. I feel that because of that convo. and the fact that I’ve waited so long … I look like a fool. And that’s what I’m scared of w/coming out at work … that they will wonder why the hell I waited so long, why I said that … and think I’m an idiot for having issues like that at my age.

It reminds me of some lyrics in the Evanescence song, My Immortal, “I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears …” I am so tired of it … but I am so frozen in time too. For so many years I had those walls up that I couldn’t get over … I had to be straight … or not get my parents help with school. Now the walls are down … and I don’t know what to do. I just sit here … with the horizon millions of miles away in every direction … and don’t know where to start in building my life as myself. Yes, I have people to tell about my sexuality … and I have told my friends. I also have to start going out and meeting people … find hobbies … clubs … social groups … I have to define myself in my community … and I don’t know how to start. It’s overwhelming. So I just sit here instead, feeling lost and depressed. I just don’t know what I’m going to do to get myself through this one … it’s not just about coming out … it’s about starting my life … and feeling clueless as to how to start the process.

April 30, 2004

I was so upset about the words posted above, I decided to send them out in the listserv for Shoe ... and I received so many beautiful replies, I decided they needed to be posted here. I took out all identifying information from the replies, so no ones privacy will be violated .. but the words are so beautiful ... I want readers of my webpage to see that so many before them have been through this same thing ...

Since there were so many SHOEs who cared enough to answer my posting, it is a pretty long segment, so I posted the replies on a separate page from the rest of my diary. If you'd like to read them, click here.

May 1, 2004

I bought these flowers today and they are so beautiful! They are all the colors of the rainbow! A pride bouquet! So I had to put them on my page ....

Here's my very sweet doggie who is upset to be in his seatbelt in the car ...

May 2, 2004

I don't know where to start this posting ... I went to the funeral of a friend and coworker today. He was gay and his funeral was at a local gay church. I had been wanting to go to the church alot lately, but was not brave enough to go by myself. Now I've been there finally ... but for a rather sad reason.

I now feel this urgency to hurry up and get my life started. I am 31 and feel like I'm still just treading the water of life instead of swimming. I am very upset with myself.

I decided tonight was the night I'd go to a lesbian bar ... a big step for me. I got into my car and drove to the bar ... and drove by it again ... and again. Now ... part of the reason I didn't go in was actually a good reason ... I couldn't find any parking close enough to where I would feel safe walking by myself in the dark from in order to get to the club. But that is not the only reason. I also didn't because I simply wasn't brave enough. I am glad I drove by though, because last week I was too scared to even do that. Hopefully next week I will leave earlier ... and there will be more parking ... so I won't have to be afraid.

I learned from the funeral today that life can be much shorter than we expect. My coworker was only 47 when he died. I can't keep on living as I have ... living in fear and isolation. I just can't do it anymore. I have to stop. I have to get out there and live my life.

So .. that's where my thoughts are as of May 2, 2004. I am hoping that by June 2, 2004 I can say something a bit nicer.

May 7, 2004

I got my guitar today!!!! Yay!!!!!! Now I can start my guitar lessons!!

May 8, 2004

OK ... my current goal is ... I will come out at work ... hopefully on Monday. I am not sure it will happen, because if there are too many patients ... I won't end up at the office, but I hope I do. I am tired of being in the ugly closet.

May 9, 2004

A friend of mine read the poem I posted on this webpage when I first started it way back in August 2003. She said it seemed as if I were holding back alot and not fully expressing my feelings and thoughts. She was right ... and that is reflected in where I was in my life at that time ... I was holding so much back because I was still so scared of coming out and living my life as myself.

With that in mind, I have rewritten that poem without holding back...

The Crush

Such luminous beauty she has, the goddesss of my spirit.
I stare into her lovely eyes, blue oceans I long to lose myself in.
In that very glance I see a soul composed of bewitching charm.
She has a smile that launches a thousand ships in my mind.
Her laughter echoes the sound of angels singing sweet lullabies.
With such radiant glory, she has my heart, without ever trying to take it.

As I sit in her presence captivated by her every move,
I know she could have whatever she wanted from me.
I yearn to hold those heavenly hands in mine,
And to caress her face as I lightly kiss her lips.
I’d learn how heaven felt so long before I get there,
Just to feel her sweet embrace.

I want to know the taste of her lips ...
the smell of her skin ...
The sound of her whispers.
I want to show her the paradise I can give her ...
Take her traveling through my world ...
I want to give her all the love my soul can hold.

For now I watch from afar,
my secret love unknown,
Living in awe of her ethereal presence.
Oh woman I wish I could let you know ...
What you do to me ...
Sweet goddess of my spirit.

May 10, 2004

I came out at work today!!!!!!

This is the email that said it all ...

I have an announcement for all P R Team Members ... and this is the best way to get all of you ...

Repressive forces in my life have lifted as of September 2003 with the ending of financial dependence upon my family. I have spent my time since then thinking … “Now what?”

With the answer to that question found, I proudly, happily, and with great relief announce to all ...

*drum roll*

~*~*~*~ “My name is Monica and I am a lesbian.” ~*~*~*~

*fanfare*

Yes, since September I tried to figure out how to say that … reviewing several plans w/my friends. I thought of saying nothing … but decided passivity is not the plan for me. While I don’t always agree with the idea of “announcing” sexuality, since not everyone in society is expected to do so … I wanted to for myself just because I couldn’t for so long … and it’s kinda fun.

May 14, 2004

Tonight I went to a lesbian bar for the first time ... FINALLY!!!!! I felt so good about myself, although w/o the friend who accompanied me I don't know that I could have gone through with it! I feel so amazing and free and relieved. I feel like myself for the first time in my life. I know I still have alot to do since I need to come out to my family, but I also know that when the time is right, it will happen, just like it did with my family and my friends.

June 7, 2004

Today is the day before my birthday ... my first birthday where I am out in almost all the spheres in my life! I feel so amazing! Even better ... it is pride month in Houston, so I three reasons to celebrate in June ... my birthday, pride month, and coming out!!!!!!! Life can be so sweet sometimes!

I still have alot of goals I need to set for myself so here is my first ...

I have to get out into the lesbian community more so I can establish a system of lesbian friends. I plan to do this by looking up some information about different organizations I can volunteer with that work with the lesbian and gay population. I also want to look up local lesbian social groups and find at least one I can plan to contact within the next week.

The reason I'm posting these goals here is because I am hoping that if you, the reader of this webpage, are still in the coming out process ... you can see ways to help yourself feel less lonely! I'll be posting links to different Houston lesbian groups I find ... but remember that with Google any search is possible! :P

June 19, 2004

Today I woke up really early in the morning to go volunteer with Equality Knocks, which is a voter identification group here in Texas that is working with the issue of gay and lesbian marriage in Texas. Their homepage is at www.lgrl.org/equalityknocks.com. I was so excited to be able to help out in the process of making gay and lesbian marriage legal in Texas! I urge all gay and lesbian people out there to get involved in this issue ... it is very important not only for ourselves, but for every generation after ours.

I'm also going to my first drag show tonight! It is a fundraiser for the Houston Gay and Lesbian Community Center (there is a link for them on my links and resources page).

June 20, 2004

There are so many incredible and amazing things happening in my life right now! My life has gone from rather upsetting to absolutely amazing in less than a year! I am so happy and I really feel like I am living my own life as I really want to live it. Every time I try something new I become more of myself. I'm doing things I never thought I would do before in my entire life ... going out to bars by myself, volunteering at events even though I don't know anyone there, coming out ... I can't find the words to say how wonderful this is for me!

The even better news is that I found an organization I can march with during the Pride Parade! I will be in the parade! I can't wait! It will be my first parade, I came out recently, and it's the month of my birthday! I have so much to celebrate! This is so amazing for me!

June 27, 2004

Yay!! I walked in the parade!!! It was amazing!! Even better, we were at the front of the parade, so after we finished walking, I found some friends and enjoyed the rest of the parade! I had so much fun! Here are pics:

Me in front of the Houston Pride parade float:

What I wore when I walked in the parade ... the organization is working on marriage rights for lesbian and gay couples in Texas.

The banner for the organization I walked with ... I was helping to hold the banner in the parade:

The limo I walked behind:

June 30, 2004

Life still going good ...

July 23, 2004

My little page is almost a year old now! I can't believe the changes within myself since I started here. It is really amazing. I never would have thought, 1 year ago, that I would have walked in the Pride Parade by now! I also never would have thought that I would feel so happy right now and so content with my life. I still have more I need to work on, but I have really come a long way and I am very happy about that. Now I need to start working on a goals list for the next year ....

January 22, 2005

Wow ... I've not been good at keeping my little diary up at all lately. :( On the bright side, everything is still going great for me. I still haven't managed to come out to my parents or siblings, but I know it will happen when the time is right. I have learned to accept the fact that there is a time for everything and not to try to rush something I am not ready for.

I have truly felt an amazing freedom over the past year since coming out to friends and coworkers. Life as an openly gay woman is wonderful ... and the fact that I am not openly gay with my family is becoming more and more constricting. I don't mind the fact that I feel this way, though, because I know that feeling is what I will be able to draw strength from when I finally do come out to them.

Even with goals yet to be reached, life is really wonderful! I personally believe that life is not life without goals to reach for anyway, so I am glad to have things to aspire to!

February 4, 2005

I've been feeling lonely lately. *sigh* I still haven't really made alot of gay/lesbian friends, so I feel disconnected from the community. I have to work on that.

Outside that, I am depressed about all the official hatred I am facing from the US government right now. Even the president himself feels it is perfectly acceptable to make hateful comments about gay people. I know life is going to be an uphill struggle, although one well worth it. I urge anyone reading this to become active volunteers at any local LGBT advocacy group that might be in your area. Without volunteering, you voice is not heard. Without a large group of voices, we are not heard. If we are not heard, we will never have rights.

March 19, 2005

It is a wonderful night tonight ... there is a soft rolling thunder accompanied by a steady gentle rain. It is cool enough outside that I have my windows open and the air conditioning off. I am completely relaxed and feel at peace with the world. This is the sort of night that is perfect for a woman to be by my side, but instead I sit in my bed alone with a laptop computer. *sigh*

Although there is not a woman in my bed with me right now to enjoy this amazing night with I have things to be happy about, like the fact that during the past two days I have walked a total of 12 miles at the park, I have an Equality Walks meeting to go to tomorrow, I get the enjoy this amazing weather from my apartment, and my patio is full of beautiful flowers and veggies all busily growing. (That was an attempt at reframing the negative into positive.)

I have reached a point sometime in the past couple of months where being out is no longer a huge issue in my life. I am out and I'm comfortable and it just isn't a big deal like it was at first, since it was all something new. I am finally at the point where I am truly comfortable as myself. This fills my heart with joy!

I still have obstacles to hurdle ... like coming out to my republican, southern, christian family ... but that will come with time. I am confident enough in myself to know I don't need to pressure myself to finish this last bit of the coming out process ... everything happens when it is meant to.

I will admit, however, that I hate living as someone else to my family. It feels so alien these days and I often find myself not wanting to talk to family members because of that feeling. I do not like feeling that way, so I know my time is coming soon.

I guess that's all I have to say for tonight. Thank you for reading, and I hope that my words bring comfort for those where I was at the beginning of this webpage.

Here is a more current pic of me than the one posted earlier on this webpage ...

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