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hello there. I have always been out and proud at work. I have never tried to be straight or anything of the sort. But, my gf has asked me to scale back some. She is very much in the closet because of her job. (she works for the county and they are NOT gl friendly.) I have also applied for a job as an officer at our county jail. So soon enough I will have to go back in the closet. I have decided not to walk up to people shake their hands and introduce myself as a lesbian. But, I will not claim to be straight. I have decided that for me I will keep my private life private. As for your situation if it is okay to be out at work I would take it one step at a time. I wouldn't throw a big coming out party. But, I would suggest easing into it. if you have a gf invite her to company functions...picnics, parties and introduce her as your partner or gf whichever you are happy with. as far as your previous conversation regarding men....if anyone has a question regarding that you were just not comfortable sharing your personal life at that time. although gays and lesbians have made leaps and bounds as far as acceptance goes we are still not in the mainstream. people are still stupid and hurtful and we still face risks in coming out. if anyone doesn't understand that just use the whole gay marriage issue as an example of people’s ignorance. I hope I have helped
Just read your email to the newsgroup. I've been out for about 21 years. Best way I found was talking about my partner, when other co-workers spoke of their husbands/wives, I spoke about Becky. If you don't have a partner, maybe you can tell them about a place (like a bar/festival) that you went to, sooner or later if they have any sense at all, they catch on. If you treat it as just being normal, usually they do too. Hope I've helped
wow bet your glad you got that off your chest, I don’t have much advice except be true to yourself, and would it come as a great shock to your co-workers if you did come out to them? personally I think your being too hard on yourself not to mention the mental stress your putting yourself under. good luck sister. I really hope everything goes well for you.
I was reading your email of the coming out blues and I say, do it! Yeah, you might be able to start by putting out some desktop icons, or some posters? Yeah and when casual conversation comes up you can just say "oh, and 'my g/f this and that, ^_~." It's not hard once you start going about it slowly. We all come out in different ways I guess, and I'm in your same situation, where I want to come out to my friends, and I definitely know it's not coming out with a big bang or anything. lol, know what I mean? Just slowly, everyone will get the news and soon you'll be content again, ^_~. Hope all goes well for you, chin up!
Hey there..I read your message today about coming out...and it really hit me good.. I had the exact same issue about 3 years ago..everyone I worked with swore I was straight...I just talked about men, when we would talk..and what I finally had to do is have confidence enough in myself, that if they are my friends, they will stay my friends, no matter who or what I do. I know how hard it is, but you can do it...it isn't so much of Just saying it...it is about just being who you are...if you start dating someone, just bring them to functions...and people that are your friends, will start asking you..that is how I did it, and I find out so many people did not care...
'Every journey starts with one small step.' There are plenty of people who never come out. You can start by telling your most trusted friend & be honest & tell them why you never told them before. They will probably feel honored you share your secret with them.
Please understand that you have every right to feel all these feeling on this emotional roller coaster..lol. I always felt like I was gay even though I am very femm and like girl’s things too. I went on with the bull of getting married thinking I didn't like woman. My feeling became worse at age 25. I stayed in an empty useless marriage until age 33. By then it was 10 yrs. I left him and moved in with a woman. I could tell my Mom knew but we didn't talk about it and co-workers were afraid to ask. I didn't tell them. I learned to live 2 lives. One fake one and one of full life. On weeks we met with women and group at homes for parties and for support. It helped me a lot then. But now, I work in a different place. Most everyone knows I am gay and don't really make a fuss. I still don't tell anyone that I can tell won't understand. I think we have come a long way. GAY IS IN!!! it's cool and exciting. dare to be free. this life gives you more. My straight friends envy me. But, you know... I think it’s so fun to give them a mystery to figure out.
This is one of those issues that can reduce us to feeling so helpless and vulnerable... no matter if you're coming out at 16 or 60. What a difficult thing to do... to tell the people in your life something so personal about you, and to know that somewhere, somehow that very personal and real part of you will be rejected. It's hard. The time issue is a big one - a lot of people feel that the longer they wait, the harder it will be to come out. I've come to realize that that is only our fear talking. It doesn't really matter. When I came out at work, I had been there for 2 years already. There was another woman there who was obviously gay, and it didn't seem to be an issue. But, I felt like everyone "expected" me to be straight. I felt that made it harder. I didn't want them to "see me differently." But then when I finally did it, no one freaked out about how long it took me. They were just glad that I felt comfortable enough in MY OWN SKIN to do it. And I realized that they were going to see me differently... and that that's a good thing. They began to see me as a woman with the strength to be who she is.. a woman who loves other women. I come from a very conservative background. When I came out to my mom, she became physically violent. She told me that I was doing something evil and that I was ruining my life. That's pretty much the worst case scenario, and you know what? That was a reflection on HER, not me. That showed me a lot about my mother. So, I was actually thankful for the experience. It made me stronger in who I am. More and more, I hear about teenagers who come out in high school, who have Gay/Straight Alliances. It's becoming so much easier. Everbody knows somebody who is openly gay. So, for any SHOEs out there who are thinking about taking the plunge and coming out... do it. Do it for yourself. Make sure you have a support system and go for it. There are online and in-person clubs and communities of women everywhere, find them.
I guess you could say I’m in the same situation. I just started a new job, and have not "announced" that I am gay or like girls...but I guess to me, you shouldn't have to announce it. your sexuality is your business. they all assume I am straight, but no situations have come up where I have really had to talk about it. it's work. I guess what I’m trying to say is, when you feel comfortable, you will talk about it. you can comment on girls as well as guys, and there is no shame in being attracted to both. if they are judgmental, then they are not friends you want anyway. hope it all works out with you...you're in Houston, right? from what I hear there is a great community, so go see a show and work your way into their hearts.
Coming out, actually saying it, will be tough. Anyone who tells you that it isn’t a much more well adjusted person that I ever hope to be, but good for them all the same. When you're trying to get it out of your mouth, you'll probably have sweaty hands, a racing heart, dry mouth...you know, all that comes along with being nervous. I damn near had a heart attack!! All these feelings mean that you are not totally comfortable with it and that is so natural. And you're right, it's 100x harder when you've waited and even maybe lied about it a little. But, I promise, once you get it out you will literally feel this weight be pulled off. And the more you say it, the easier it gets. Work will be a whole new world :)Give people the chance to accept it or not. I'm sure you'll get some " oh well my brother..." or things like that. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised by the last of reaction you get.
My girlfriend was in the same position with her friends and teammates and her mother for years. It was so bad in fact, that she would take down her pictures on the wall when friends or family came over. It was horrible, I never knew when she was "in the closet" or out, depending on who we were around, which resulted in a few unfortunate situations. I got frustrated finally, and seeing this, she finally decided it was time. She talked to a few friends over MSN (I guess that was easier than in person) and the responses were all the same: "I know, I’ve known for a long time." The backlash she anticipated just didn’t happen. She had also lied for so long to her mother, she just couldn’t figure out how to tell her. It was a similar situation. It had been a lie for so long, how do you undo it all? Her mother finally asked her if I was a "special friend" and she finally stopped lying and said yes. The response was the same, she knew and didn’t care and still loved her. In fact, they are on vacation in Vegas together as I write this. I have spent some time with her mom and we get along very well. The moral of the story is: The "big deal" she thought coming out was going to be was non-existent. It was a simple quiet affair. She's much happier now and her self-esteem got a boost because of it. No more paranoia after all those years of hiding. I know it seem you are climbing a brick wall, but try to keep in mind that each brick is laid with your own imagination, your own "worst case" thoughts and frustrations. If you have openly gay co-workers, then you really don’t have anything to fear. All this will pass. If you choose to come out, I'm sure you will be happier and the windfall you expect will be more like a breeze.
I know how you feel I started coming out about a yr ago and it has not been easy but it does get a lil easier everyday a lil at a time you come to a point to where you are completely out. you said something about at your age well I think everyone comes out in their own time I personally am 25 yrs old now and did not come out nor did I have any relationships till I was 24 yrs old. so yea my observation is that everyone comes in their own time’s was very afraid to come out because how I knew my family and some of my friend would react to it. well my family is split about how they feel and most my friends are no more but that’s ok cause you know what if they can not be friend with me over something so stupid then they where never really friends anyways as far as my family if they can accept me for what and who I am then they are not worth my time or trouble and never really cared for me to begin with that’s my opinion.
This is for all the women who are thinking about coming out to anyone who is important in their lives. I'd suggest that you try coming out to someone you don't care about first. Consider it a test run. And if you need to talk, feel free to email me. I came out to everyone almost 20 years ago and now I work at places that I feel comfortable being myself. But I understand the need many feel to be closeted. Coming out is important and makes you vulnerable, so really think about how much you want to do it. In some situations it may not be appropriate.
hi There You know I felt that the answer to your dilemma was in the question. You observed how free you would feel if you came out. That is exactly how you would feel. I don't want to go into the full story but I was outed on the front page of a Sunday newspaper back in the seventies... not the best way to come out and I wouldn't recommend it but I didn't have a choice it happened that way. Anyway, I felt exactly what you said .. free.. and have done ever since. I don't come out to every individual that I meet .. it is none of everyone’s business.. but those that matter at home or at work I come out to ..if they don't guess. It is something that you only have do once and that freedom that you spoke of is just a sentence away... you don’t have to make a grand announcement just drop it in here and there i.e. if asked what you are doing at the weekend say that you are going to a gay bar... good luck anyway and hope that you find your freedom..
Creating a life is difficult. I am going through some of the same dilemmas as yourself and have been going through them for a few years now. You know within yourself what you want/need to do. No matter what advice you get always remember "to your own self be true". Whether that quote is exact or not, I don't know, but it works. Stay true to your inner self, not your parents, not your co-workers, not your friends, not the gay and lesbian community, not......always ask yourself what fits with your values and morals, than act accordingly. Don't betray yourself and you will enjoy life.
I just had to reply to your mail. I read it and it sounded so much like myself. The way you talked about your work, and the way you didn't want the "labels" And especially how you feel you've waited too long to tell others. I completely understand how that adds to the pressure factor in it all. I've been with my girlfriend now for almost 2 years, and only one other person in my immediate life knows about her. And I just recently told her. (Boy was that tough) Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the way you feel. I'm not sure of your age, but as for myself, a 24 year old, it's pretty tough to keep such a big secret.
Words I hope to live by: "Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed with the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain Somehow this seems to fit your dilemma. The words you chose might give you some insight. Start at the beginning. Begin in a comfort zone. But don't do nothing. If you believe your coworkers will think you are "silly" or something, then it seems you can speak to them, because you believe them to either (a) already know or (b) be comfortable with others who have declared their sexual orientation. Go out on a limb. That is where the fruit is....right? It IS scary. There is no way around that.... Be true and all will work itself out.
2 scenarios: stay the way you are and be miserable or be true to yourself and be happy. seems like you are considering everyone’s well-being and not your own. and by the way, since when is it so damn important to come out to the people you work with? work is work, play is play and never shall the two meet! live your life the way YOU see fit. weed out the usual suspects (people who trigger your inner "red flags". even your SHOE signature is at odds with what you're going through. don't just give lip-service to Twain's words. take a chance and live them. your desire to live an unfettered lesbian lifestyle is very strong (hence the conflict), so what are you waiting for? you deserve to be happy.